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Dear Big Ghostfase,
What do you think of these girls who shave half their heads like Cassie did? I want to do it but my face is not as pretty as hers.
- 50/50
Ayo whattup ma! Im glad you asked me that. Ima be straight up wit you tho aight? First off… Cassie a dime ma. Like no joke yo. She aint exactly known for her songs or her talent namsayin. Matter fact I aint even kno that the broad was a singer until this nigga at the barbershop told me that shit. I aint really respect son like that but turns out he was rite nahmean. That nigga actually got stabbed in his spine when he tried to steal a bike one time tho. He died in the hospital a couple days later. That shit was kinda fucked up tho. But forreal…you aint never hear nobody sayin “Ayo put summa that Cassie shit on” or “Word yo that Cassie can sing like a muthafucka”. Nah yo… it jus aint happenin. My point is that broad is fine as hell yo. N she only barely pullin that shit off ma.
Dear Big Ghostfase,
My man keeps telling me I need to go to the gym. Now, it’s not like I sit around eating potato chips like I’m Jabba The Hut. I only wear a 30 in jeans and walk an hour a day with HIS stupid dog. What can I tell him that will get him off my case?
- Thick like a fruit smoothie
Ayo ma you really really really need to chill rite there yo. Ayo first off fuck ya man cos he aint shit. If that nigga cant appreciate how the Lord put you together then he dont deserve you like that nahmean. You tell that nigga that Ima slap fireworks out his ass if he disrespect you like that again. Tell him Tone said so. Ima smack that muthafucka so hard he gon wake up in 2047. Im gon slap that dude into the future ma. Real talk.
Dear Big Ghostfase,
I love singing. I sing in the shower, mostly, but I want to audition for the next season of American Idol. I think I sound good, but my mom and my friends keeps telling me not to be a fool. I really think I have talent. Should I listen to the haters?
- F Feelin’ Flat
Ayo ma its like this. Confidence is a muthafucka. Namsayin. Confidence is what convinced Yung Berg he got talent. Confidence is what makes a nigga like Drake break down some corny shit bout how he gon rescue a broad from allowin herself to be hurt by herself at the beginnin of his songs. Confidence is what made a broad like Lil Kim think that 16 years n 475 surgical procedures into her music career that niggas actually wanted to hear her rap bout how her “kitty purrs”. What Im sayin is if the people that are supposed to love you the most think you need to ignore what ya confidence is tellin you….maybe you should listen to em ma.
Big Ghostfase,
I’m so confused. Everywhere I go, I get conflicting messages. For example this Beyonce bitch got everyone all steamed up, making it look all hot and sexy to be an independent woman, but at home I get way more peace, love and affection by acting like a sweet-tempered doormat. And my boy thinks Beyonce’s fine!!! What in the sweet fuck is going on here? Do you boys want a whip-cracker or nothing harder than Cool Whip?
- Angry Doormat
Ayo ma its like this basically….fellas want a broad to:
a) be independent….but still feel like the broad needs em
b) be cool wit spendin time apart….long as she available as soon as he ready to hook up
c) look mad sexy on his arm….long as she dont let niggas glance at her for too long
d) be cool wit however many broads he done smashed over the years….but be the only one that ever owned her box
What Im sayin is….do you really wanna worry bout what dudes want ma?
Dear Big Ghostfase,
My boo is taking style tips from The Situation. He idolises him. He even has him as his ringtone and shit. I can’t take any more of my sheets being ruined by his nasty oily tanning lotion, and no matter how much I shower, I smell like Ed Hardy cologne now, wherever I go.
Please help.
- Guidette By Proxy
Dump that nigga asap ma.
When he’s not writing papers as the much-lauded Professor of The School of Hard Knocks, you can check out the Almighty Hercules PhD on BigGhostNahmean. The God is proffering a willing 2-carat studded ear to your first world problems, so don’t sleep on the chance to get schooled by the man most retweeted by Oprah. Email me at eriks@c-o-p-magazine.com and I’ll be sure to pass ‘em along.
Love this shit Tone! Too bad you can’t offer these jewels to your brethren tho lol
What’s up Iron Tony Starks. Just checking in from Dublin to say I was out in NY and fell in live with the place last summer, but it seemed like all the Wu heads weren’t chillin in Manhattan. Wondering if there’s anywhere in Shaolin that a tourist such as myself could scope to see the real NYC?
Ayo Baby Pa,
I need help son. I gotta big ass donk. But I’m a dude! When I got to Walmart alla’ da homies think a nigga is just a redbone broad when I’m bent over. “Ayo! Dis nigga got a donk!” Feel me son? How can a brotha step up his pants game so dat da homies quit fiending fo’ dis thick ass donk. I ain’t fat an alla’ dat either ,son. I get brolic in da gymnasiums an alla’ dat but my donk still put one’a Nicki Minaj’s ass cheeks to shame son. And this is all natural, Tone ain’t none of it on dat implant shit, feel me? Son, gotta a donk that could be standard issue to the Coast Guard Cutters as a flotation device an alla’ dat. Son could leap offa da Verrezano and be cushioned from my ass cheeks on impact. Yo, you gotta help me tone! Aight, peace.
Hey Juan, we take questions from dudes for BG as well, for sure. Don’t hesitate to ask.
Ayo Big Ghost! Just wanted to pay my respects to the Black Mosus aka The Black Chuck Norris. Ima keep it 100 wit you..it’s about time someone carried down these tablets from the mountain top son. Times is dark. D.A.R.K! And the biddies and brothas need this type of beacon so they don’t crash they ships into the cliffs nahmean. We got these mermaids like Aubrey, Wiz Khalifa, Breezy, etc, etc seranadin’ people and they end up crashed up and smashed up. But these beacons comin off these tablets is cuttin thru that darkness nahmean. I hear the cherubs over top all these autotuned marshmallow mermaids…and it give a brotha some hope. From deep inside Castle GraySkull I could hear the Lions roaring son. The walls was shakin so I walked out on the balcony to get a better look. See the walls of Castle Grayskull cannot be broken. No amount of rose petals, or even the looming presence of Little Kims mumified punanny can make these walls crumble yo. But the Lions roar was heard yo. And them tablets and scrolls you be carrying aint no joke. You takin them stars and comets that people only dream of and puttin it in they hands nahmean. You showin a broad that she might what be able to pick up that hammer of Thor son. You cant ask a dirty bummy ass dude for no type style pointers. Same way it take a cosmonaut to show someone how to navigate the heavens n alla’ dat. Frank Sinatra could only fly a broad to the moon…but you basically sayin F!^&! Frank Sinatra nahmean. You teachin the biddies how to lift up that Mjolnir and smackin them out they “Frank Sinatra” mindset. You providin that balance. Cause many broads (and brothas too) got they scales tipped in one direction too much. Can’t nobody be the master of they own universe till they find they balance, stop crashin into these cliffs, and learn the difference between that real knowledge and all this rah rah they gettin from from brothas that should be in wet t-shirt contests. Word is bond. Plenty dudes out there frontin as you know. But when you pick up that Thor hammer Ma…you gonna see right thru they Tims to their painted toes nahmean. P-Tone givin you that bridge over troubled waters. Without this knowledge you might as well be a cupcake at a fat camp. You aint gonna survive that shit. Big Ghost…you puttin that Mink on they back son. It’s real like dat. You takin a broad off the Red Line and showin her she deserve a chariot ride from time to time yo. So this aint so much a question as me just lettin y’ all know these words done reached the depths of Castle Grayskull…I’m talkin way way waaaay down in the finished basement studio son, and it almost made me cry a diamond tear. Word is Bond….we cry Diamond tears over here at Castle Grayskull…and before you start thinkin we on some soft shit just go try to do that yaself nahmean. THEN come back with your report. But anyways not to get sidetracked cause this aint about me..it’s about the biddies on this blog….and yall ladies deserve a diamond teardrop necklace so please make sure ya heed the advice you get here. Otherwise you end up like the current version of Little Kim or look over and ya man wearin a hoodie that “just happens” to match ya eyeliner color yo.
Not to exclude them international fitties to you Big Ghost I say Danke, Gracias, Obrigado, Merci, n alla’ dat son! Bless, FuzedFunk aka the Light skinned Ferris Bueller, aka the Black Man-At-Arms
Ayo whattup Tone. Jussa quick question. I’m a South African nigga who got dreams of getting my poetry out in the world n shit. Like word, when I rap, the gates of heaven open n I done peepd the niggas Moses n Ezekiel rocking they audio recorders n shit. N that ain’t even a niggas confidence that make that shit up b. word is bond. What advice u got for a nigga tryna make it big?